Why Do Women Keep Attracting the Wrong Men Over and Over Again?
All of us choose our partners through a set of glasses created when we were very young children. These “lens” are basically composed of belief systems, which to a large extend influence our choices, behaviors and emotions. These patterns become etched in our brains and we habitually act oblivious to why we’re behaving the way we are. Consequently, we subconsciously choose the wrong men….however, in the 21st Century it doesn’t have to be this way anymore!
I’ve worked with over 100,000 clients as a psychotherapist and I’ve narrowed our self-limiting beliefs that create unhealthy relationships down to four – feeling unlovable/unimportant, feeling bad/defective, feeling like a failure and feeling alone. As I previously mentioned, we develop these beliefs as young children. They are distorted perceptions of ourselves. They’re not reality.
To manage the feelings that evolve from our limiting beliefs as children, we also develop coping strategies: behaviors that help us feel better because they help us protect or defend ourselves. The four most common coping methods or MASKs, as I call them, are: pleaser, need for control, order/superiority, and avoidance.
A common match I see is a pleaser connecting with someone who has a need for control. Initially the relationship works extremely well as the pleaser goes along with whatever the other person needs or wants. The pleaser may not express what they need or want and the partner continues to take charge. With time the person who has a need to please becomes resentful, empty or feels like they’ve lost themselves. She/he may also have a fear of speaking up because she/he wants to avoid conflict. Alternatively, the person who has a need to control may become angry because they often have to be in charge. Unfortunately, we set ourselves up for disastrous, turbulent relationships. Then individuals separate, some feel lonely and re-connect with another person to relieve the pain. And….the cycle repeats itself.
It’s time to break these cycles! I am fortunate to see individuals totally changing their lives daily. The first step is awareness of these patterns; the second step is shifting the old unconscious and conscious behaviors. When we stop these patterns we find ourselves changing in ways that open the door to healthy love. We attract healthy partners who are better able to share authentic intimacy and communication. I guarantee it is well worth it! Been there, done that…got the t-shirt!