Have you ever been told “you don’t care”? Whether it’s a partner, teenager, parent or supervisor, those words are frequently tossed out of people’s mouths. Often you feel stunned, confused and don’t understand what is going on. Thoughts such as “what the hell”, “how can they possibly think that, it’s the opposite”, often race through our minds.

When someone tells you this, what individuals are really saying is “I don’t matter”, “I’m not important”, and they’re actually feeling this about themselves.

A few years ago I had a client whose appointment needed to be changed due my illness. She was furiously angry. Her anger hurled those words at my office manager, “You don’t care. I guess my time and life doesn’t matter.” My assistant didn’t know what to say except to apologize profusely. At that moment, like all of us at different times, her button was pushed and she assumed something that wasn’t at all true.

I’ve been there! I’ve said those words to partners of the past. In those moments of hurt and anger all we know is that we’re distraught by something someone did or didn’t do. I know so many couples who argue on Valentine’s Day because people’s buttons are triggered. Expectations aren’t met and individuals feel like they don’t matter.

One suggestion is to learn to decode what others are saying when you hear, “you don’t care”, or “if you cared you’d know what I need and want.” It could prevent a huge blow out!